A most destructive force

Insecurity…. Webster’s expounds as such:
Not sure or certain; doubtful: unemployed and facing an insecure future.
Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe:
A shortage of military police made the air base insecure.
Not firm or fixed; unsteady: an insecure foothold.

Lacking stability; troubled: an insecure relationship.
Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety: had always felt insecure at parties.

It is a vile little thing, creeping about, infiltrating our mental state. Everyone has it in some shape or form. It makes us say things we later regret. It causes us to miss life’s opportunities, to recoil from growth and excitement. It fuels our anger and insites unreasonable fear and rage. It is one of our worst enemies.

Some people try and hide it, others try and deny it. Only a few frequently acknowledge it and then fight through it, only the brave. And those brave souls are the ones that truly enjoy life.

I have insecurities. I confront them constantly. Some I easily brush aside like the petty worries they really are. Others consume my thoughts for long periods of time until my thoughts become rational, digging out there route causes and I emerge triumphant. And a few remain, gnawing at my soul till eternity.

I was insecure about blogging on this subject. I started thinking about it late last year. And I started observing, my family, my friends, my colleagues at work, strangers I met everyday. And as I did, I started to see it more and more. I saw patterns. And I have come to better recognize it, not only in those day to day acquaintances, but also in myself. And my insecurity rose. If I blogged about it, would I insult those I value as friends, those that I love and cherish? Would they see themselves and be angry? Would I embarrass myself by using my own insecurity as examples? So I have thought, long and hard on this one.

My answer came to me last week, while discussing it with a good friend. Why was I being insecure about blogging on insecurity? I would hope that those people I care about would see themselves better, and hopefully see me better. Because the more we know about ourselves, the more honest we are with ourselves, the better our lives are, and I would wish that on all friends and family. So once again, after a long struggle I came to rational thought, casting aside the demon once more.

The blog is on, and I knew it would be a long one. Here are some thoughts on my observations on insecurity and its antonyms, secure/confidence.

Insecurity can cause us to try and dominate a conversation. It is interesting how this happens. You have to tell your story first. You have to “one up” someone else’s story. If your opinion is different than someone else’s, you try and drown out the person you disagree with. Your voice rises, you talk faster. This is very evident if your insecurity causes you to feel you are going to loose an argument. Sometimes it is masked by claiming that you are passionate on a subject.

If however you are secure and confident you will listen. Not just politely stay quiet, but actively listen and acknowledge by commenting and questioning. All without the one-upmanship. In debates over difference of opinions, you stay cool, calm and confident. You listen to the other side of the argument and calmly counter, without interrupting, without raising your voice. After all you are confident in your position, secure because you have been honest with yourself on the subject, and can accept that not everyone will agree with your opinion.

I have taken it upon myself to listen more, to be truly involved in conversations and fight fair during disagreements. This goes across the board and can be very hard when others are not of doing the same. But I am secure in the fact I am making progress.

Insecurity causes us to run down others, to talk badly about our friends & family. You constantly point out their shortcomings. You belittle them and make yourself superior. Gossip forks your tongue constantly. If you are in a disagreement, you try and make bystanders choose sides. Interestingly enough this usually drives people away versus gaining you allies!

If you are secure, you don’t need to talk badly about people. A little friendly ribbing or teasing is one thing, but you are careful not to hurt. You don’t need gossip because your confidence buoys you up instead. Disagreements are handled in a civil private manner. You need not divide your friends to prove a point.

My wife and I have always kept our dirty laundry at home, in private. I think that is a great contributor to the longevity of our relationship. We have never run the other down in public. On the other hand, it can be hard to stay out of the gossip mill with friends. It seems innocent but can be quite harmful. Again I am taking it upon myself to try and take a higher road on this, as I think my friends will respect me more for it.

The insecure are always proving themselves to others. Bragging about their accomplishments, justifying their decisions. They embellish and exaggerate. Simple successes become monumental accomplishments. Everything becomes me, me, me.

The secure are humble. If you are confident and honest with yourself you don’t need to exaggerate. Your accomplishments speak for themselves. You don’t have to talk about yourself constantly to justify your greatness. In fact you spend more time building up others rather than yourself.

I think that I don’t brag about myself a lot. But I can definitely spend more time building up others. So that is on the list.

Insecurity breads contempt. It causes anger. You feel you have been cheated, someone else got your share, your lime light. You fear the unforeseen. And your fear is irrational. You lash out, say things you regret. The anger consumes you and you don’t know why.

Security and confidence makes you rational. You understand your fears and brush them aside. You recognize the root cause of your anger and find more constructive ways of dealing with the issue. You stay in control, and speak from a position of confidence.

I have been quick tempered through out much of my life. It has usually affected my professional life more than my social life. And I’m sure my kids at times would like to have run for the hills. I have really tuned into this one. If I am angry I ask myself why? What has made me angry, and do I have a right to be angry? Or am I just being insecure. 99% of the time, if I am honest with myself, it is insecurity.

So this blog has gone on long enough. I have spewed forth and gotten these thoughts out into the open, naked for all to see. But there is one thing else I should convey. It has dawned on me as I have become more aware of my own insecurities and those around me, that this disease spares no one. Therefore, if you are truly confident and secure with yourself, you must be willing to look past others insecurities to the true person they are. For it is the relationships in our lives that define us. How we treat others is the best measure of our compassion and achievement. Be secure, confident and honest with yourself, and your life will be filled with friendship and happiness.